I don't want to write this

What a week. Or 2 weeks. Lost track of time really.
Dad has had a series of small strokes, which affect his memory e.g. didn't take any turnings when driving 2 weeks ago, couldn't get out of the garage that is attached to the house, looked for teabags in the freezer etc.  His eyesight is skewed sideways too. A brain scan showed a myriad of little clots in his brain. Drs are amazed that he can walk and talk. He's in a weird fog where he can have great conversations with us but forgets some words and can't find the light switch in his bathroom. He's a young 81 who has had great health. So has Mum (she turns 77 next week). They are never home - always away in the huge campervan, or out helping 'oldies' in their community.
This week, an MRI was taken to look at the blood clots and the aneurysm in his heart. We've known about the aneurysm for over 20 years so that's not a big deal. But, the MRI found pancreatic cancer. It will be causing all the blood clots in the brain. Bugger.
Yesterday, the Dr at the hospital said to go home for the weekend, then come back and we'll see what we can do for you. Today, they called Mum and said, "Take him home. Keep him home. When awful back pain sets in, you'll know that the cancer has really taken hold." They weren't as callous as that sounds, but that's it in a nutshell. And today, Mum finally cried. And apologised for such weakness!! She's terrified of being weak/tearful in public. She's terrified. Period. I am so incredibly sad for both of them.
And I live on a whole different continent, 10 hours away by plane. My sisters have been fabulous though. And my elder daughter has been amazing. She's been to see her grandfather every day, taking him treats and reading the paper to him. Today she refused to let her Nana drive to the hospital so she drove 1and 1/2  hours to get her Nana, then back to where she started to get Grandad from hospital, then drove them both home again. When I thanked her tonight, she said, "Mum, I'm only doing what you would do if you were here."
Dad is so relieved to be home, and was terrified at the thought of an operation to remove the tumour from the pancreas. He's a lot happier tonight, even though he was crying so hard on the phone to me. My big, burly, tough Kiwi Dad crying??!!
Mum is hating the thought of the pain that has to come for Dad as the cancer progresses. She was hoping for an operation to remove the cancer, even if it meant he may die on the operating table. Better that than a slow, painful death. And then she felt bad for 'sounding callous'.
I have not let this affect my eating. But I've had 2-3 glasses of wine each night for 3 nights. It gives me quite a buzz since I haven't been drinking much at all this year.  I also forgot to weigh myself this morning. I'm lucky to sleep 4 hours per night, so I'm a bit fuzzy.
Like my parents, I am extremely grateful for the full, healthy lives they've had. We all know it has to end some time. But not now. Later!
I'm going home in 3 weeks for a 4 day weekend to see them. Looking forward to that. Not looking forward to that. 
I guess my mood was summed up best when, after Mum told me this morning that the Drs were saying to take Dad home and keep him there, I texted my younger sister and simply said,  "Ah shit!"

I really didn't want to write this, but I feel better for doing it. No replies are necessary - I just needed an outlet.
Deb

 Dad, Cloe (eldest daughter) and Mum. May 2010